Have you heard of the old Chinese proverb... "Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who tread on their toes." Does that sound like you, at times?
Then, it's time to sign up for the free parenting webinar, The Art of Consequences, with Amy McCready.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Free Parenting Webinar
You may have recently read the article, in the NY Times, or also your local paper (it was featured in my local paper) that “Shouting is the new Spanking.” Here is the link, if you are interested. http://bit.ly/33SsYl
I met Amy McCready recently, and we talked about how our missions are similar. I work with blended and step families, and Amy works with parents. Amy McCready has agreed to offer a free webinar to the subscribers of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center. Amy is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions. Here’s more information about the webinar:
Free Parenting Webinar
Who Should Attend: Parents of children ages 1-16 who want to learn concrete tools to effectively correct misbehavior – without yelling, nagging or punishing.
What You’ll Learn: Amy McCready, Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions will present a fun and interactive training session designed to teach you…
• why children really misbehave
• the formula for correcting misbehavior…permanently
• the 4 “must haves” for an effective consequence
• how to reduce your parenting stress and feel more confident in the most important job you’ll ever have.
Date: Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Time: 9:00 - 10:00 p.m. Eastern
Access: All you need is a computer with a speaker to hear the presentation. We’ll send you the log in instructions.
Cost: No charge for participants at the live event! The webinar recording will be available for purchase for those who could not attend the live presentation for $39.95.
We’re excited to be able to offer this free webinar. To register, go to: http://bit.ly/3GeJWl
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Problems with StepKids
A blended mom asks:
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.
His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.
Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)
O.K.- here’s what I think-
I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.
Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.
As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.
Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.
I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley
My fiance and I have 2 children together ages 3 and 5. He also has 3 older children from previous relationships ages 7, 8 and 12. Since my first child was born, he has accused me and HIS family of treating his children by me better than his other children. Of course his family and I feel that that is not true.
His other children, my stepkids, live in another state. The problem is that his children do spend summers here. I love his children, but the 7-year-old has never respected me, nor do I trust her around my children unsupervised. For example, this summer, I saw her trying to convince my 3-year-old to eat something that could have hurt him. My 3-year-old had enough sense to tell her that he didn't want it because he thought it was medicine. She was telling him that it was candy. Even her older sister told them that it was medicine and that he shouldn't eat it, but the 7-year-old was insisting that it was candy. Of course, I chimed in and told them to throw it away whatever it was. (This happened while we were visiting the 7 and 8 year-old's home). I have not yet mentioned this to my fiance.. This is not the first incident that we have had concerning her, and it always causes us to argue.
Furthermore, when he fights with the other biological moms, he threatens to fight for full custody of the other kids. I feel like I have enough on my shoulders raising my two children let alone 2 or 3 other step-children that have perfectly capable mothers. Do you think this blended family can work, or should we hold off on getting married?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
I read through your question several times and I’m not sure where to start. I’ll try to answer your questions even though I don’t think I have the whole picture. (Not your fault – it’s just difficult through email.)
O.K.- here’s what I think-
I believe if you have two kids together, you ought to try to make it work, and ought to get married. I do believe that the commitment of marriage improves the relationship and also the relationships with the ex-spouses.
Talk with your husband about family rules. When kids are in your home (biological or step) they should abide by your family rules. You and your husband should spend some dedicated time together and develop these rules. Present your house rules to the kids along with consequences of them disobeying. Each child should follow the same rules. Check out Blended Family Advice book for more information.
As far as your husband’s perception of your/his kids being treated better than the kids from previous marriages, it may be because these kids live with you. It is easy to love, spend time with, and do things for the kids that are living with us. He can’t take it personally, if the other kids only visit and are not there full time. Tell him that the two of you can treat all the kids equally and also remind the relatives to do so (and that you prefer it) if you see your biological kids getting any preferences or extra attention. (Now- attention due to proximity is different. If the relatives are spending more time with your biological kids because they are living near them, just remember to bring the stepkids around these relatives when they are visiting.) It is tough, but treat them as equally as possible and remind your relatives that you want them to do the same.
Remember that your relationship (and future marriage) should take priority. If you focus on your relationship, the rest of the family will do better. Talk with your husband about your concerns about the 7 year old. Start off with, “I love ____, but there’s something I need to tell you about her that makes me uncomfortable. I need for us, as a couple, to figure out what to do.” He is on your side, your team- so, talk with him about your concerns. I know it sounds difficult to raise all of the kids (it’s unlikely that he will win full custody) but if it happens, it may actually be easier to parent your stepkids if they are in the house full time. Talk the positives/negatives over with your husband about this also.
I hope that helped, and addressed most of the issues you mentioned in your email. If your issues continue, you may want to consider coaching. www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/coachingwithshirleydudley
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Step son and son issues
A Reader recently asked: My son and step son recently had a falling out. The boys are both 17. My step son was caught drinking and partying at his mom's house. (did not involve my son at all). When questioned by his mom he "offered" up that my son and he had drank and smoked pot together before. My stepson's mom told us and we had to discipline my son. My son is furious and feels the his brother ratted him out for no good reason. When my boys were 14 my stepson stole my son's wallet and lied about it, so there is a bit of a history of lack of trust. My son forgave him for that but this seemed to have sent him over the top. They will not talk to each other and the whole household is upset and stressed. What should we do as parents in this situation? My step kids some every other week.
Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)
To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.
Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.
While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.
It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.
Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert
Shirley Cress Dudley's response:
I see several issues:
*The boys have a trust issue and also and issue “bonding” as family members
*Discipline issues (including- both boys are smoking pot and drinking)
To work on the trust issues and blending your family, it would be helpful to schedule family activities (at least one) every weekend your stepson is present. I know it’s tough to get teenagers to stay at home and participate, but it is essential to bringing your family closer together. An idea might be to require the boys to be home for a family meal before going out for the evening. It’s helpful to tell both boys that you love them and would like for them to try to get along.
Also, you have some discipline issues- it is important for you and your spouse to decide on house rules and expectations. These guidelines should be for all the kids, visiting or living in the house full time. Once you and your spouse agree on those guidelines, present them to the boys, and inform them that there are consequences for disobeying/not respecting the guidelines. I recommend letting the biological parent enforce the consequences.
While I understand your son’s feelings that his stepbrother “ratted on him,” it is unacceptable for either boy, in your blended family, to engage in underage drinking or pot smoking.-that should be the primary concern. Even if the rules are different at his biological mom’s house, it is important for you to do what’s best for the boys, when they are in your home. You will find an unusual benefit to these new rules- your boys will bond with each other against the adults! That’s fine, but stand firm in your expectations for them. Soon, these boys will be on their own, and suffer more serious consequences from disobeying the law.
It’s tough to answer all of the issues in a brief email. Let me know if this information is helpful and gives you more ideas on actions to take.
Shirley Cress Dudley
Blended and Step Family expert
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Attending a stepmother's funeral
A mom asks: I am seeking advice on the "rules" for blended families with regard to funerals and memorial services. This family event reminds me I have so much to learn about blended families beyond my immediate family situation and I find your blog very interesting and helpful to that end.
Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.
His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.
Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.
So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)
It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)
I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Would you be willing to share your opinion on the following situation? My significant other is part of a blended family. His parents divorced when he was a young adult and both parents remarried. He lives 10 hours from his (deceased) father and stepmother. He had a cordial relationship with his stepmother and her children, but never a close, bonded relationship - interactions only occurred around large, family get-togethers organized by his father.
His stepmother passed away last week and he is unable to attend the funeral due to a trip he has had planned for a very long time. He is being exceptionally hard on himself for not being able to go. He has even put off telling his stepmother's children because he feels so bad (even though they have implied in conversation that they don't expect him to be there). What has your experience been with others in similar situations? Is this a major a no-no to miss a stepparent's funeral - what are the "rules" on this situation? Would appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share on this.
Shirley Cress Dudley replies:
That’s a tough one. A blended family is still your family. I understand your husband’s guilt and also his concerns. If he can’t make the trip to the funeral, and has other plans that can’t be changed, then he can’t make it, and that’s O.K. It would be nice if he could tell his step-siblings that he is sorry and send flowers or other memorials. The step-siblings may not expect him to attend, but may be comforted if he does attend (maybe not.) It’s always hard to tell with step-siblings, and depends on the relationship he had with them.
So- my answer isn’t an easy one. It depends on the relationship he had with those that have died and those who are living. We should attend the funeral to honor the dead, but also support the living relatives. If we are close to these members of our blended family- then attend. If not, then send your condolences and don’t attend. There are times when we can’t attend a very close relative’s funeral (due to military service, illness, etc.)
It would be best if he could be honest with the step-siblings as soon as possible, explain that he can’t attend, but that his heart is with them (and send something to them- flowers, card, etc.)
I hope that helps. As his wife, it would be great if you could support your husband in whatever decision he makes.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Friday, September 25, 2009
Blended Family Advice is going to print!
Blended Family Advice is going to the publisher. Many of you have asked for a book you could "hold in your hand" so we are taking the ebook to the printers! You'll have a Blended Family Advice book in your hand before the holidays.
If you are having trouble in your family right now, check out Blended Family Advice ebook, or coaching with Shirley Cress Dudley.
If you are having trouble in your family right now, check out Blended Family Advice ebook, or coaching with Shirley Cress Dudley.
Friday, September 11, 2009
How much time is O.K. to spend with my biological kids alone?
A reader asks:
We have been a blended family for a year, with some struggles, but pretty much O.K. My daughter is with us half time, my stepdaughter full time. My daughter is adjusting O.K., but wants to spend some alone time with me when she’s here. My wife feels that we have been married long enough that we need to bond as a family. She is discouraging separate time alone with our biological kids. Am I caving in to my child’s needs at the expense of creating a more cohesive family?
Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
This is a very common question; and one I hear at least 1-3 times a week. Usually the situation is similar to yours- mom’s kids live full time in the house, and dad’s kids visit, but don’t live there full time.
I think it’s great for blended families to have activities together. Doing things together really bonds the family and helps everyone feel more comfortable and a part of the family. But…
In reality, though, families don’t do things together all of the time. The kids that live in your home have some individualized time with their mom, and with you, just based on your various schedules. (Maybe mom wakes up early with the kids and gets them ready for school- that’s individual time with them. Maybe stepdad takes his stepson with him to the hardware store for supplies, that’s individual time. Or mom drives junior to his game, or helps sis with a project by going with her to purchase supplies- that’s individualized time.) We just don’t remember it, because it’s a part of our everyday lives.
I think it’s great to encourage your daughter to participate in family activities when she is visiting you, but I also believe a little personalized time with Dad is fine. You can take her on errands with you, or a quick occasional lunch out, or work together on a project- just the two of you.
Here’s some quick tips on spending time with our biological kids and step kids:
•Yes- it’s great for blended families to do things together. Make sure you have at least one little something special planned when kids are visiting. (Not a expensive, big deal – but a family movie night, or making sundaes together.)
•Yes- it’s best to include all family members for special events. Invite everyone, even the kids who aren’t supposed to be visiting that weekend. Note: give them enough notice to plan, or switch the event to a weekend convenient to all
•Yes- It’s O.K. for biological parents to spend some one-on-one time with their kids, as long as it’s not the entire day, or an ultra special event.
•No- it’s not O.K. for a visiting child to dominate a parent’s entire weekend.
The key is balance. If you spend the entire weekend with your daughter and ignore your wife and isolate yourself from the rest of the family- that’s too much. If you put your daughter into group situations the entire weekend (without even a walk around the neighborhood together) that’s too much also.
If you need more help-check out blended and step family expert, Shirley Cress Dudley. Coaching is offered for blended families.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
National Step Family Day
National Step Family Day is September 16th. Christy Tusing-Borgeld is the founder and the first National Step Family Day was celebrated September 16th, 1997 almost thirteen years ago.
The goal is for all stepfamilies to rejoice in being different, and celebrate that you are a step family. This year’s day is scheduled to be on a Wednesday, so if you don’t have your entire step family with you- you may want to celebrate on another day (possibly the weekend before or the weekend after.)
National Stepfamily Day is supported by: The National Stepfamily Resource Center (NSRC) is a division of Auburn University’s Center for Children, Youth, and Families (CCYF). Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder, Director of the Center for Children, Youth, and Families at Auburn University.
The mission of Step Family Day is – to have a strong commitment to support the stepfamilies of our nation in their mission to raise their children, create strong family structures to support the individual members of the family, instill in them a sense of responsibility to all extended family members.
For more information:
• The National Stepfamily Resource Center- www.nationalstepfamilyday.com
• Join the National Stepfamily Day- “Supporting the Cause” on Facebook, www.facebook.com
• National Step Family Day Picnic- http://www.nationalstepfamilyday.com/national-stepfamily-day-picnic.php
Another casting for blended families
The Planet Green Eco-Makeover Series Wa$ted is looking for Blended Families in the NYC Tri-State, Contact Gia at- greenhomes@liontv.us for more information.
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