Daughter doesn't want a step mom

A soon-to-be step mom asks:
I just need little advice. I am engaged to my fiancé, and he has a 7year old. He believes I resent his daughter because she is from a different woman. I truly don't resent his daughter, but I will admit some of my actions do seem as if I resent her. I do try and keep my space when his daughter is around only because she can be rude and pretty demanding at times towards me. We have a good relationship, but there are times I just do not want to be around her.

I love and care for her very much, I just want to prepare myself to be a good step mom. Can you provide some guidance on how to help her understand that it is not okay for her to talk to me in a disrespectful way? Also, how should my fiancé respond to his daughter when she comments that, "he should not have a girlfriend," and why isn't he with his mommy?" Please provide some guidance for us.

Shirley Cress Dudley, Blended and Step Family Expert responds:
Yes- blended families are difficult. Here are some tips for you to make it easier.

His daughter may still be grieving the separation of mommy and daddy. It’s important for your fiancé to convey to his daughter that he loves her, and even though he’s not with her mommy, he will always be her daddy, and will always love her. He can encourage her to talk about this. As long as she is respectful, it’s fine for her to share her angry, confused thoughts.

It’s also important for her daddy to start talking to her about how he wants to be with you and get married. He should discuss this with excitement and tell he how happy you make him. Involve her in the wedding planning- like picking out her dress, or talking about her carrying flowers at the wedding.

He should discuss how marrying you creates a new family and this family will have house rules. Some of these rules are- obeying and respecting adults, and not being rude to adults. Make sure there are consequences to poor behavior, and the consequences should be enforced by her dad. You should concentrate on building the relationship at this time and let him be the bad guy. He should tell his daughter that you don’t replace her mom, but will be her stepmommy- another adult to love her and take care of her.

It’s fine for you to not want to spend all your time with her. You need balance: time alone, time with your fiancé and time with your soon-to-be blended family. He needs the same- time alone, time with you, daughter/daddy time, and blended family time. Balance is the key.

Poor behavior should not be tolerated. Times of change (such as parent’s separating, and remarriage) have children bouncing around- not understanding what’s going on. They need boundaries and guidelines. These boundaries (or rules) give them security and a sense of stability. It’s not time to let her get away with rudeness in actions or words.

I hope this helps. If all this isn’t enough, I recommend checking out my book, Blended Family Advice, and also considering some coaching. My website also has lots of information- articles, newsletters, stories and poems from other blended families. I’m also running a special- just for engaged couples or blended families that have been together less than 2 years.

I think you’ll find a lot of help there. Here’s the link:

http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center

Kids giving dad a tough time

A blended stepmom asks: 
My fiancé has two daughters
(ages five and 6). Both seem to like me. The older one likes me quite a bit more than the younger one. I have been a part of their lives for one year now.  Lately, the younger daughter has started doing everything possible to get Daddy's attention. She asks to be picked up and held all the time. 

She interrupts people when they are talking to her Daddy so that he has to turn his attention to her and she cries constantly to get his attention. At night, she consistently wakes up at 2:30 am and wants her Daddy to come lay with her. After he checks on her, he tries to come back to bed but she just cries more until he finally has to put her on the couch downstairs and lay with her there so that she won't wake the whole house up. It is getting unbearable. She does this every single night. 

It is really starting to affect my fiancé as he is not getting a good nights rest at night and we are not getting to spend nights in the same bed anymore. He is still in the process of an extremely messy divorce that has lasted for 15 months now so he coddles both of the girls whenever they are here. He has 50/50 custody with his ex so the girls are here 3-4 nights a week. This is not going to be a healthy way to start our new life together. Any suggestions? Thanks!

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 

I’m sorry to hear you’re having a tough time. Blended families are difficult and require some extra steps to help kids adapt.  It’s hard to answer such a complicated question in a  few brief paragraph-, but I’ll give you a few basic tips:

Establish House Rules

Since you are engaged to be married, talk with the kids (with dad taking the lead) about how this new family of yours needs to establish their own set of house rules and guidelines.  You and
your fiance should discuss what expectations and guidelines are appropriate for the kids- such as not interupting adults when talking; going to bed early, if they don’t have a solid night’s sleep the night before; keeping their room cleaned up; being respectful to adults, etc.  Also discuss how this new family of your will be starting some new traditions.  Plan some fun activities for
the whole family, and create some new traditions of your own.  Remind the kids that if they don’t
respect/obey the house rules, some of these planned activities will be cancelled.  (Remind their dad to enforce the consequences of not obeying the rules, or they are just words- and the kids will soon learn they mean nothing.) Offer rewards and fun activities at the end of the week for good behavior.

The kids Are Still Grieving the Divorce

The words “15 months” and “messy divorce” explain a lot too. The kids, especially the younger one, are grieving the divorce and also very upset about their parents continual fighting.  It’s
important for their dad to talk to them and convey some basic thoughts:

• I love you. Even though Mommy and Daddy are now living in two separate
  homes, Mommy and Daddy will always love you.
• Daddy is getting married and she will be your stepmommy.  She doesn’t take the place of your mom, but
  is an extra adult in your life to love you and take care of you.
• Daddy and ____ (you) need adult time at night.  If you interupt this time, we will have to
  take some play time away during the day to make up for this.

It would also be a good idea to find a therapist who has experience with  kids and let her participate in some play therapy. It would help for her to have a 3^rd party, outside the family, to talk to and receive some help.

When divorce and remarriage occur (one or both) kids are just “bouncing off the walls”- wondering what’s happening…what are the new rules?  What is expected of me?  What’s going to happen to me?  It’s important for their Dad to talk to them and reassure them. But- this is not time to coddle them, or back off on the rules.  Kids need boundaries and guidelines- these rules actually help them feel safe and secure.  It will take a few nights, but adding some boundaries to the bedtimes and behavior of the kids will make a dramatic and positive difference in your lives. Good luck with your blended family.  I wish you the best.  If you need more assistance, try blended family coaching.

Having Trouble Planning Your Summer in a Blended or Step Family

• Are you having trouble with the visitation arrangements in your blended or step family? 
• Do you wonder what's really best for your child?
• What about your feelings?  Are you struggling with letting your child go for a few weeks, over the summer?

Here's an article on Summer Visitation schedules. It will help you make good decisions on your summer visitation plans in your blended or step family.  If you have any questions, after reading the article, send me an email, and I'll post the response here on the blog.
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC
Founder of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com