Thursday, August 26, 2010

Blended Family- New School Year- Time for Change in Your Step Family

StepFamily- Time for Change
It's a new school year, and a great time to make some changes in your blended family.

Some of you have already sent your kids back to school, and a few of you are a couple of days away from the first day of the fall semester. It’s a great time of year to get back to a normal schedule, start fresh, and make any necessary changes in your step family or blended family:

• Are you ready to establish or change some family rules in your stepfamily?
• Do your kids and step kids need some help respecting the adults in the home?
• Is your marriage a priority in your blended family?
• Have you figured out how to balance your time with your spouse, kids and step kids?
• Do you and your spouse need to re-negotiate your co-parenting techniques?
• Is it time to create more boundaries with your ex-spouse?

The beginning of a new school year is a great time to make these changes. Help your stepfamily become more successful by using the start of a school year to change a few things around the house. Make sure you and your spouse discuss these changes, and agree, before talking to the kids. Below is a free podcast that will give you and your spouse ideas on how you can make some positive changes in your stepfamily.

Free Podcast
I'm offering in August a podcast on Making changes in your step family. This podcast will be free until Monday, August 29th 9am Eastern. After that time, I’ll put it for sale with the other resource materials. Here’s the link to download your free podcast: http://www.TheBlendedandStepFamilyResourceCenter.com/podcast

Free Stuff and Great Step Family Events:
Are you missing out on free stuff and special events at The Resource Center?
• On Facebook, do you “like or friend” Shirley Cress Dudley and The Blended and Step Family Resource Center?
• Do you follow @MarriageNFamily on Twitter?

The reason I ask is that sometimes I offer special events through Facebook and Twitter. If you are following me on these sites, you will hear about the events as soon as they begin.

Last month, we did a one day drawing. Stepfamilies submitted photos of their beautiful stepfamilies and also their summer time tips. Three names were drawn and these three families won a free copy of the book Blended Family Advice.

Congratulations to:
  • The Hetchler blended family from Ohio
  • Colleen Riggle’s blended family from Georgia
  • Lisa Teal-Web’s blended family (aka Buckeye Bonus Mom) from Ohio
You can see their photos, great summer tips, and a video created from these photos at this Step Family Summer Photos and Tips link.

Talk with you again soon.

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC
Director of The Blended and Step Family Resource Center, Charlotte North Carolina
Shirley@BlendedFamilyAdvice.com
Follow us on Twitter at MarriageNFamily (over 34,000 followers!)

Quick Links
• Articles and Newsletters for Blended and Step Families: http://www.theblendedandstepfamilyresourcecenter.com/articlesandnewsletters
• Reader Contributions: http://www.blendedfamilyadvice.com/readercontributions
Step Family Coaching: http://www.TheBlendedAndStepfamilyResourceCenter.com/coaching


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Step Mom asks about keeping deceased moms photos in the house

A Step Mom Asks: I married a man 3 years ago who became a widower when his wife died suddenly, 6 years ago.  His children were 17 and 25 at the time of their mother's death. We purchased a new home, and while going through old boxes, found lots of photos of his deceased wife.  His adult daughter wants us to display the photos of her mom in our home, and is refusing to come to our home if we don't put the photos out. My husband feels stuck in the middle.  I don't feel supported in this.

Shirley Cress Dudley responds:
Blended families are tough, especially when a parent dies.  You want to honor the deceased parent, and yet maintain your place as wife and mother in this home.

When you and your husband married, the two of you become the center of the family.  You and your husband become the center of his former nuclear family and you and your husband become the center of the decisions made around you and your kids.  You are the wife and mother of this home and this new family. 

I understand the daughter’s desire to keep her mother’s photos, and that is understandable.  If you and your husband have room, then, by all means, keep them in storage for the kids.  Encourage them, at some point (maybe even giving them a deadline) to collect the photos and take them to their homes. This is part of being an adult and creating your own home and family.  You husband may want to keep some (which is fine- this is his nuclear family and one that existed for many years) – but it is not appropriate for these photos of the former family to be displayed in your home.

As the mother and wife of this home, it is inappropriate for a former wife (even if she is deceased) to be publically displayed in your home. If any of the kids were still living in the home, it would be appropriate for them to have photos of their mother in their room (but not family/group photos.) Your youngest child should be able to have a photo or two of his (her) father in his room.  You are honoring their deceased mother by keeping photo albums and photos, but there is no need for these photos (however lovely) to be displayed in your home.  Again, this is your and your husband’s home.  He cannot have two wife’s photos, or two sets of family photos displayed in this home.

Kids, even adult kids, will push the limits in a blended family.  They will see if their dad is going to choose you over them.  They want to see who is “loved more” or “more important” to him.  It is of extreme importance that you and your husband don’t engage in this competition.  There is no competition between a father’s love for his kids and a man’s love for his wife.  The mom and dad (husband and wife) are in charge of this family, and they (you and your husband) make the primary decisions in this family. All kids are loved, and their place in the family has not changed- they are still your kids. The two of you will parent (and co-parent) your kids (and stepkids) to the best of your ability- together.

I understand your husband’s conflicted feelings, but it’s time to put the photos back in storage, and your husband tell his kids how much he loves them, and how much he loved their mother. But- their mother is dead now, and he has remarried. He should explain that he and his new wife are creating a home and a life together.  If the daughter refused to come to your home, then (although this is very tough, it’s really what is best) your husband should tell her he loves her and will be waiting to see her, when she is ready.  He should not push her, or offer to meet her somewhere else, but stand firm in his commitment to you and his new blended family.  When she protests, he should continue to tell her how much he loves her, and wants her to be a part of his blended family, and will hope that she will understand and realize it’s the right decision for everyone.

I hope that helps.

Shirley

Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC