Saturday, September 25, 2010

Secrets to a Happy Step Family

Through the years, I've talked to hundreds (maybe thousands- I've lost count) of blended and step families. I noticed a similar pattern in all of them. There is one underlying principle that keeps a step family strong and successful.

What is the underlying principle?  What is the secret?  The secret is to keep your marriage in the center of the family and in the center of the marriage. If you focus too much time on the kids, in ex-spouse, or your parents, your marriage will suffer. It sounds easy- but it's not.

Most parents have been own their own for several years, some have even fought to have custody or time with their kids. When they remarry, it's tough to change that focus and look back towards the marriage.  Keeping the marriage a priority gives kids an excellent example of what a healthy marriage should be.
If the primary focus is on the kids, children grow up in a unrealistic world, one that gives them everything they want- as soon as they ask. That world is not real- and will cause more problems than you can image.

Do you want to solve most of your blended or step family issues?  Put your marriage first.

Talk with you again soon,

Shirley
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Step Mom having trouble discipling stepson

A step mom asks:
I am an almost step mom to an eleven year old boy. His mom is not in the picture for the most part and he is very angry with her. His dad wasn't allowed to decide how the boy would be raised and what he would and would not be allowed to do and say.When the mom checked out of his life, his dad and I have become full time parents to him. Now that this little boy is older he has such a bad mouth and argues constantly. Watches things I wouldn't suggest to an adult and throws fits when he is told that he has to do things our way. I want him to grow up to be a good person who knows right from wrong and can be around other people. Time outs don't work, and lectures don't work. He is home schooled because he cannot function in a regular classroom setting. We constantly got calls from the school that he was in trouble and made it difficult for the other kids to work. We need some serious help. What do you suggest?

Shirley Cress Dudley responds: 
You’re already doing an outstanding job- taking responsibility for your soon-to-be stepson, helping him with school, and basic everyday expectations.

You mentioned that timeouts don’t work. That’s one option- discipline for poor behavior. Possibly you haven’t had a long enough time out, or a quick enough reaction to his poor behavior. If the timeout is consistent, immediate, and equal to the “crime” – it is more effective. (for an eleven-year-old, a 30-60 minute time out is appropriate, a time for him to go to his room and read, or clean up an area for 30 minutes.)

Another technique is praise. When you “catch him” doing something good- praise him immediately.  You can also offer rewards at the end of the week, or the end of the day, if certain behavior is maintained. An example may be- a day without temper tantrums means you get to watch a 30 minute television program this evening.  A week of great school work results in going to the movies, or renting a movie. If you are really organized, and would like to do this- you can create a chart, with stars for good behavior, and give rewards related to how many stars he earns each day.

Make sure your spouse supports you and is in agreement with you in your efforts.  A “united front” of parents will be more effective, than if the two of you disagree on his behavior and discipline.  If you do disagree- talk with your mate in private and get the issues resolved before presenting them to your stepson.

As far as the television or videos he is watching, you and your mate are the parents now, and you can control his viewing. Remove any inappropriate videos from his collection, and prevent him from watching anything you feel is important.

It will be difficult, and he will fight you on these boundaries, discipline and limits in his life.. but- a child perceives boundaries and limits as love. Although you will see him protest, he knows, deep inside, that you are doing this because you love him.  Remind him daily that you love him and want what’s best for him.

Good luck.  You can make a real difference in this child’s life. Good for you for having the drive, interest and love for him.

Kindest Regards,
Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC