Monday, April 30, 2012

A mom wonders about why her 5 year old son won't visit his dad or have sleep overs. She says there is a history of abuse (emotional and physical) but that her ex-husband has never hurt her son.


Shirley Cress Dudley, the blended family expert replies:
I'm sorry your son doesn't want to visit his dad. It's important for him to have time with both his mom and dad. But, you also mention that there is a history of abusive behavior from your ex-husband.


Even though you said your ex has never hurt your son, he does have that capability, and you have experienced both emotional and physical abuse from him.


I'm sorry you are having a difficult time.  It's good you realize that your son needs to spend time with his father- children need a relationship with both their mom and dad.


But, if your son is refusing to spend the night at his dad's place- and there is a history of abusive behavior- it's time for some investigation. I know you said your ex-husband has never hurt his son, but your son is still afraid of being at his house, alone at night.

Find a local child therapist. I recommend an LMFT or someone that has "play therapy" in their qualifications. Let a therapist talk with your son and figure out what's going on.


If your son has nothing to fear, the therapist will help him with this. If there are some real concerns, then these will also need to be dealt with. It's possible your son only needs supervised visits with his dad, and these may not include over night visits (unless another adult is present.)


You are right that your son needs time with his dad, but find out what your son's concerns are about, before having him spend the night.


I wish you the very best.



Shirley


Shirley Cress Dudley, MA LPC NCC FACMPE
Executive director of The Blended and Step Family Resource CenterBest selling author of the book, Blended Family Advice






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